Rejecting Rejection

I’ve been watching a lot of Ted talks lately. They cover everything from personal causes, to professional development to health issues and how to become stronger emotionally. There are some great ones on being yourself and embracing your weirdness. This really got me thinking about my path so far.

As a pre-teen I quickly learned to label myself “weird”. I was called bookworm, my puns and quirky humor got on others’ nerves, my family couldn’t understand why I was so emotional. I escaped into stories of my own making, just to experience a life where others’ criticisms didn’t matter. These stories were full of magic and fantastic creatures and pagan and occult flavors I wouldn’t recognize until later in life. This only added to my “weird” status, because I was in a religion where the occult was viewed as shocking and terrifying (I know this is most religions). Now I didn’t fit in with the religious crowd, but my religious beliefs made me an outsider to the outside world.

One day, when I was 25 and on my own, lonely and broke and desperate for a family of my own, I met someone whose weirdness matched my own. Someone who had, like me, grown up in a family that gave him carefully crafted emotional issues, who had a religion that did not suit his personality pushed on him, who had been denied normal social development due to homeschooling. We watched quirky cartoons and discussed chivalry and psychology deep into the night. We shared puns, chicken nuggets, and ideas about how families should be. Rather quickly we got married.

There was no audience at our wedding. Our families either had better things to do or didn’t approve. Our religious friends each disapproved of the other’s religion. Our non-religious friends, the few and true, were accepting and supportive and proved a new base of social support. And I found myself rejecting that.

You can only get so many crying faces and letters telling you how happy you had made Satan before you get a little defensive. Marrying changed my life in so many ways that I felt disoriented. It was great to hang out with people occasionally, but I didn’t feel I would ever have a close friend besides my husband again. I was used to rejection. I would reject them first.

It has been almost 14 years now, and we are still happily married, still stay up late at night talking politics or heathenry or dogs, watching quirky comedies or… doing other things. We’ve spent quite a few years sorting out our emotional issues from the abuse and other sources. Our kids are actually pretty happy and well-adjusted! And we’ve both realized that our extended families – whether trying to rule our outer choices or inner beliefs – who have given us so much disapproval and criticism and in the end rejected us – they aren’t what we want to be.

They’ve cut us off, and we’re ok with that, because we are very different from them. They want us to be what they dictate, to do and think what they tell us to, rejecting who we really are and what we believe. And we have said NO. We are who we are. We reject their rejection.

So we practice a minority religion. We  watch shows with magic and demons in them and aren’t afraid they might be a portal of evil into our house. Because they really aren’t. We listen to the music that moves us, whatever scary costume the band wears, and we are not offended by strong language. And we teach our kids that how you treat people and animals is more important that what god you worship or what political candidate you vote for or if you have tattoos or where you work. Because we are all different, and we all change so much over the years. That changeable, outer stuff, that’s not who you really are. Who you really are is the values you choose to uphold. I choose integrity, defending the weak, honesty and standing up to abuse. I accept who I really am. Rejection doesn’t matter anymore.

Reconciling with Inner Tension

This will be a brief post, since there’s a lot going on right now and I need to keep my momentum going. I just feel the need to write.

I did something spontaneous again. Maybe it was a bad move, but I (mostly) feel confident things will get better. I quit a job that I felt was damaging my family. So much overtime was required, and was only available on my days off, that I felt I never saw my husband and kids anymore. My ten-year-old son was acting out at school. I was BAD at the job, which required a certain level of pushy and rude, and my pay had dropped because I was expected to start earning commissions, which wasn’t likely. Maybe I should have waited it out until I got a better job. My family is in a rough spot while I go to interviews every couple of days and hope this is resolved quickly. But I can’t really regret quitting. It felt right.

So meanwhile, I’m home with a husband who isn’t looking for work and isn’t very attentive to our kids when he’s caring for them. He’s hoping to get on disability. And I’m once again looking for full-time work, maybe something that doesn’t run such late hours as my last job. I love him. I’m angry. I’m scared because he’s 35 and can’t sleep at night due to pain. There’s a lot going on here, and the picture isn’t clear.

I wish I could magic it all away, but that’s not logical. I have to reconcile myself with it all, on the inside. Resentment will solve nothing, and will just ruin our relationship.

The fact is, we’ve been in these tough spots before. We’ve moved a lot, started over a lot, and every time there have been losses. Fear is natural, but I can’t let it become paralyzing. I have strong, marketable skills and lots of experience. I know I can find better work. And as for my husband, he’ll find his own way. I’m not here to nag or demand things from him. That’s something we agreed to before marriage. We don’t boss each other around.

Tarot has always been a strong natural talent with me. I did a reading the other day, when in a relaxed, happy mood. It was dead-on, and positive about the future and my husband. I choose to put some faith in my skill and sight, and keep pushing forward with optimism. The tension won’t magically go away, but I can handle it, just like I always have, by diving in to the issues and not running from it. We’ll be ok, maybe even better than ok soon.

 

 

 

Toughing it Out

I haven’t posted in a while, and it will be slow for a while…I’ve been working long hours, 11-14 hours away from home, sometimes 7 days a week. Hubby and I are looking for better work that will allow me to see my kids more and be home sometimes.

In the meantime, it’s a trial, and I’m learning lessons. I’m no salesperson, definitely not on the phone, but maybe I can glean some knowledge out of the effort. I always feel that asking Odin for help results in both help and teaching opportunities. This is necessary for growth, so I’m not bitter. Onward and upward!

 

Still Shy (After All These Years)

Well, I’ve gone back to work, and I’m actually enjoying it. The strange thing is that though I’ve met a couple of people who seem to be open-minded and might even share some of my interests, I just can’t bring myself to talk to live people about my pagan/heathen beliefs. It’s not really fear of being judged – I don’t care about acceptance enough to lie or change who I am. Maybe it is  avoidant – I don’t want to have to explain or defend myself and I don’t feel I’m in any position to speak for others with similar faiths. Some of it, too, is just distrust. Except for a couple of people (my husband included), everyone I’ve had strong interests in common with has ended up being kinda psycho and turning on me. Not sure I want to analyze this too deeply. Friendships aren’t really a strong need at this time in my life, anyway, since I’ve got two young kids and no time to go out and do anything, anyway. Someday, I may wish I had cultivated lasting friendships. But for now…how would I even go about it? Writing is a direct connection to my brain. You read this, you know what I’m thinking about, how deeply, and why. But face-to-face, I’m a mess. I feel like I’m translating my thoughts into some other language, and what comes out is over-simplified, Captain Obvious, misworded crap. It is so difficult to portray any level of real personality to someone I don’t know well. How I ended up married, I’ll never know. He’s as much a loner as I am, I guess. I’m sure there are kindred spirits out there somewhere. I’ll continue to trust my gut when it comes to people. I always sense the reality beneath the mask, and sometimes even sharp flashes of thoughts and emotion. Nothing like realizing someone you are starting to like just got pissed off at something you said! It’s a double-edged gift. But someday…someday when I’m old, I’m going to find some old ladies like me who do magick and bake and love fiction, costumes and corny puns.

Anxiety and the Working World

So I’m applying for jobs again, after six months home with my 2-year-old daughter. It has been enjoyable, and much lower stress, but is no longer a viable option due to family finances. I did really well at my last job, impressing my managers and teacher, working occasional overtime and getting bonuses on most checks. Of course, it was extremely stressful and I felt like I was losing my mind. But I think I can handle it better, now. My daughter is older. My rent is lower. We’re not in a tiny, cramped trailer anymore, trying to get established in a new city. I guess I’ll find out.

Since I was raised in a religion that distrusted all non-members, and then was home-schooled from 5th grade through high school, I had a really hard time when I first started working. I think the main disadvantage to being home-schooled is that unless you have a very diligent parent, you don’t get used to waking up early, strict schedules, high pressure and social interaction, including conflict. I still get a pounding heart from any kind of conflict. But it has been many years, and I’ve worked many jobs and done well at them. I can’t blame any of my own reactions on anyone else, or circumstance. If I value wisdom and self-reliance at all, I have to be honest and say, it’s up to me to face my challenges and improve. Even though I’m nearing 40, I’ll always have things to work on. The times I’ve broken down and written out how I wish things were, I realize that those expectations are unrealistic, entitled and sometimes lazy. I don’t get to sit on my wishes. The world demands a lot from us, introvert or not. We can cry about it, or we can take up our sword and face the challenge, fear or no fear. I was a spoiled, weak, fearful teen. But that was then. Now, I know a lot more about the world. I know how to defend myself physically, and win people over verbally. I can handle just about anything. And if the job I find first isn’t a good fit for me, then I will work my tail off until I find a better one. Here’s the adult world: not ideal, but also not impossible. If everyone else can do it, so can I.

 

Reflections on Love

The last two weeks have been more than ordinarily busy, exhilarating and depressing, by turns. There are so many subjects I’ve been writing and reflecting on…but today I want to write about love.

As a heathen/pagan, I’ve noticed that love for Earth and caution with people seem to come to the forefront in our faiths more than love for people. I wonder if that may be because so many Christians and Christian sects speak love out the side of their face. I grew up in such a group; one that drummed into our heads that we were the most loving people on earth, and the way to show that love was to obey the group, even if that meant shunning family or foregoing charity in favor of giving to the religion. It felt wrong, deep down, and eventually this view of love joined a long list of other injustices and inconsistencies, leading to my leaving.

My reason for wanting to reflect on this today is because my family is going through yet another difficult time of instability. My husband is once again thinking of leaving a half-way decent job because he’s in a fury at how he is being treated. Most people would just wait until they had another job, or suck it up because that’s how the world is, but not my passionate, volatile husband. We’ve gone through this so many times now that I’ve come to expect it. So how does this relate to love?

My view is this: I understand where he is coming from. He grew up in a violently abusive home where his feelings were less than inconsequential. He reacts strongly to verbal and emotional abuse. And unfortunately, a lot of inept managers out there use shouting and passive-aggression to manipulate underlings; some don’t even realize they are doing it. Even a self-absorbed, critical co-worker can trigger his defense mechanisms. And the tension grows and grows with time. I could judge him for this. I could get angry, or fed up or self-pitying that I will probably end up being the sole provider for this family of four in the long term. I did feel that way at one time. But our years together have only deepened my understanding of him and love for his other wonderful traits. He has never been abusive to me or our children. He has a brilliant and active mind, open to new ideas and growth. He’s affectionate, protective and, I have to admit, sexy as hell. He deserves understanding and love, especially since he has given me so much. I have my own emotional issues, after all.

So is this love, or co-dependency? I think it is love, because it’s based on understanding and caring about his needs, not fear of losing him or absorption with my own desires. Yes, we need to communicate and work out how we will care for our family together. There are options other than traditional employment, and I think they may help increase our income and better our family’s quality of life. The thing is, I will show the same compassion and consideration for my children when it is needed. My husband may one day find that he’s ready for that kind of career, but until then, I will do what I can to help him work through his fears and anger, and get any help he needs.

All too often these day, young couples fight or even split over the simplest things. Their feelings are hurt repeatedly, or there is a massive disagreement in ideals. I want to tell them – this is part of marriage. Or any relationship, really. You will never find someone who agrees with you in everything, and even if you do, that may not be the person you need to balance your life. Your relationships will challenge you. Make you angry, hurt, uncomfortable at times. If you communicate, accept differences and STOP comparing everyone to yourself, you will find a new level of love. See people for who they are – most of them are deserving of love and acceptance, no matter how strange and incomprehensible you find them.

If this sounds preachy, sorry. It’s not meant to be. Just my ponderings on a massive subject; a mystery we may never truly understand and that is different for every one of us. As heart-tangling as love can be, it is also heart-soothing, and spreads like an infection of light. It will be something I learn about for as long as I live. What are your thoughts?