Rejecting Rejection

I’ve been watching a lot of Ted talks lately. They cover everything from personal causes, to professional development to health issues and how to become stronger emotionally. There are some great ones on being yourself and embracing your weirdness. This really got me thinking about my path so far.

As a pre-teen I quickly learned to label myself “weird”. I was called bookworm, my puns and quirky humor got on others’ nerves, my family couldn’t understand why I was so emotional. I escaped into stories of my own making, just to experience a life where others’ criticisms didn’t matter. These stories were full of magic and fantastic creatures and pagan and occult flavors I wouldn’t recognize until later in life. This only added to my “weird” status, because I was in a religion where the occult was viewed as shocking and terrifying (I know this is most religions). Now I didn’t fit in with the religious crowd, but my religious beliefs made me an outsider to the outside world.

One day, when I was 25 and on my own, lonely and broke and desperate for a family of my own, I met someone whose weirdness matched my own. Someone who had, like me, grown up in a family that gave him carefully crafted emotional issues, who had a religion that did not suit his personality pushed on him, who had been denied normal social development due to homeschooling. We watched quirky cartoons and discussed chivalry and psychology deep into the night. We shared puns, chicken nuggets, and ideas about how families should be. Rather quickly we got married.

There was no audience at our wedding. Our families either had better things to do or didn’t approve. Our religious friends each disapproved of the other’s religion. Our non-religious friends, the few and true, were accepting and supportive and proved a new base of social support. And I found myself rejecting that.

You can only get so many crying faces and letters telling you how happy you had made Satan before you get a little defensive. Marrying changed my life in so many ways that I felt disoriented. It was great to hang out with people occasionally, but I didn’t feel I would ever have a close friend besides my husband again. I was used to rejection. I would reject them first.

It has been almost 14 years now, and we are still happily married, still stay up late at night talking politics or heathenry or dogs, watching quirky comedies or… doing other things. We’ve spent quite a few years sorting out our emotional issues from the abuse and other sources. Our kids are actually pretty happy and well-adjusted! And we’ve both realized that our extended families – whether trying to rule our outer choices or inner beliefs – who have given us so much disapproval and criticism and in the end rejected us – they aren’t what we want to be.

They’ve cut us off, and we’re ok with that, because we are very different from them. They want us to be what they dictate, to do and think what they tell us to, rejecting who we really are and what we believe. And we have said NO. We are who we are. We reject their rejection.

So we practice a minority religion. We  watch shows with magic and demons in them and aren’t afraid they might be a portal of evil into our house. Because they really aren’t. We listen to the music that moves us, whatever scary costume the band wears, and we are not offended by strong language. And we teach our kids that how you treat people and animals is more important that what god you worship or what political candidate you vote for or if you have tattoos or where you work. Because we are all different, and we all change so much over the years. That changeable, outer stuff, that’s not who you really are. Who you really are is the values you choose to uphold. I choose integrity, defending the weak, honesty and standing up to abuse. I accept who I really am. Rejection doesn’t matter anymore.

The Internet and My Path

I first got on Facebook when I was on leave after my son was born. I was already a regular on Myspace (very different back then), WritersCafe, Writing.com and some forums. One thing I’ve found to be true again and again is that I need regular time away from the computer. The good that has come of my interaction is real – I’ve kept in touch with family, reunited with old friends, gotten feedback on my fiction and helped support those who’ve escaped cults or survived abuse. And a big one has been research. I don’t have a lot of money for books, so much of my research into heathenry, spellcraft, divination and ancient beliefs has been online. I find PDF’s of vital texts and videos showing how-to. I know there is a lot of misinformation, so I take what feels right and useful, and discard the rest. The internet has been vital to developing both my craft and my pagan path. But there is a limit.

I am a personality type INFJ. I rely on my intuition a lot. One thing I’ve noticed in recent years is that I can’t bear to take a spell I found and copy it wholesale. My own associations are so strong that everything I do is adapted, sometimes torn apart, just using the original as inspiration. This is where time away from the internet is really important. All the information I’ve gathered percolates and with quiet time, the time when I’m cleaning or at work or talking to loved ones, it all becomes strangely clear. One online group has been stressing the validity of hexing. I’m listening, I see what they mean, but I’d really rather do shadow work to explore my dark side. Hexing feels as wrong to me as if I were to literally punch someone. Even if they deserve it, that’s not me. I respect the right of others to do as they choose. But it was in my quiet time that the reasons for my reluctance became clear. Other times a symbolic association or an aspect of a deity flashes into my mind. This never happens when I’m absorbed in the info-glut of internet exploration.

With that in mind, I’m going to take a break for a few days. Maybe organize my binder, copy down some powerful quotes I saved last week. I think it’s time for a breather, to follow that silent wooded path a little ways, alone.

Reconciling with Inner Tension

This will be a brief post, since there’s a lot going on right now and I need to keep my momentum going. I just feel the need to write.

I did something spontaneous again. Maybe it was a bad move, but I (mostly) feel confident things will get better. I quit a job that I felt was damaging my family. So much overtime was required, and was only available on my days off, that I felt I never saw my husband and kids anymore. My ten-year-old son was acting out at school. I was BAD at the job, which required a certain level of pushy and rude, and my pay had dropped because I was expected to start earning commissions, which wasn’t likely. Maybe I should have waited it out until I got a better job. My family is in a rough spot while I go to interviews every couple of days and hope this is resolved quickly. But I can’t really regret quitting. It felt right.

So meanwhile, I’m home with a husband who isn’t looking for work and isn’t very attentive to our kids when he’s caring for them. He’s hoping to get on disability. And I’m once again looking for full-time work, maybe something that doesn’t run such late hours as my last job. I love him. I’m angry. I’m scared because he’s 35 and can’t sleep at night due to pain. There’s a lot going on here, and the picture isn’t clear.

I wish I could magic it all away, but that’s not logical. I have to reconcile myself with it all, on the inside. Resentment will solve nothing, and will just ruin our relationship.

The fact is, we’ve been in these tough spots before. We’ve moved a lot, started over a lot, and every time there have been losses. Fear is natural, but I can’t let it become paralyzing. I have strong, marketable skills and lots of experience. I know I can find better work. And as for my husband, he’ll find his own way. I’m not here to nag or demand things from him. That’s something we agreed to before marriage. We don’t boss each other around.

Tarot has always been a strong natural talent with me. I did a reading the other day, when in a relaxed, happy mood. It was dead-on, and positive about the future and my husband. I choose to put some faith in my skill and sight, and keep pushing forward with optimism. The tension won’t magically go away, but I can handle it, just like I always have, by diving in to the issues and not running from it. We’ll be ok, maybe even better than ok soon.

 

 

 

Toughing it Out

I haven’t posted in a while, and it will be slow for a while…I’ve been working long hours, 11-14 hours away from home, sometimes 7 days a week. Hubby and I are looking for better work that will allow me to see my kids more and be home sometimes.

In the meantime, it’s a trial, and I’m learning lessons. I’m no salesperson, definitely not on the phone, but maybe I can glean some knowledge out of the effort. I always feel that asking Odin for help results in both help and teaching opportunities. This is necessary for growth, so I’m not bitter. Onward and upward!

 

Puppy Power!

Bailey is a friendly, mellow, black pit bull who is great with kids and other dogs. She was owned by a series of apartment dwellers who didn’t have time to make sure she got enough exercise. We have a large fenced property, so adopted her as a companion to our emotionally needy male dog, and before we could get her fixed, found we were expecting a litter.

It’s been many years since I’ve helped raise pups, but this is the best bunch of young dogs I’ve ever known. Every one of them has such personality. And watching a “pack” form (albeit temporarily), I’ve learned a lot, not just about dogs but about life. Here are some lessons I’ve observed in the last seven weeks:

1. If you think you are the best, the others will tire of you quickly.
2. If you bite too hard, you will be unpopular.
3. The quiet guy is usually the smartest.
4. Biggest does NOT mean bravest.
5. When you stop needing stuff from Mom, you guys can become real friends.
6. Enjoy every sunny day, every meal and every moment with your family.
7. It’s hard to say goodbye to your kids, even when you know they’ll be fine.

Dogs are amazing – so much more than just animals. Our companions for thousands of years, they understand us in ways that other species could never comprehend. Sometimes I’m convinced that dogs joined our lives for the cheese and warm fires. Other times, I think we’ve always been like this – partners, friends, allies with a special connection. Having “pets” is a pretty hot-button issue. I don’t want to go into the politics of it. But I do know, every dog I’ve known has taught me about life. Every one I’ve lost has left a mark on my heart that helped make me who I am today. It may not be possible to treat them as people – but anyone who thinks animals operate on instinct alone have never really known one. LOVE is as universal as it gets. Most, if not all moms feel it, regardless of species. Friendship, fun, security, emotional comforting – animals need it, too. And sometimes, we crazy, messed-up, over-cerebral humans are able to enjoy that with an animal, one of the “alien races” of our very own planet. That’s pretty special.